Your 2015 Australian Cricket World Cup XI

The 2015 LG Pepsi MRF Emirates Reebok Castrol Hyundai Cricket World Cup is on. For readers in the US and Canada, this is the third most-watched sporting event in the world, behind the football World Cup and the Olympics. Pretty incredible really, considering the 2015 edition is into its third week and there hasn’t been anything worth writing about thus far.

The tournament is a metaphor for the 20-35 over period of one-day cricket: boring as bat shit, watchable only in the hope that it may climax in a brief flurry of excitement. In a vain attempt to breathe some life into the subject, here is the current Australian lineup, re-rendered as famous people and obscure references. Because cricket.

David Warner = Sasha Grey

Small, but with a big mouth, regularly brings down much larger men.

Aaron Finch = Shane Warne

A Victorian who loves a beer, a smoke and destroying the English.

Shane Watson = Michael Bay films

Looks good. Is shit.

Steve Smith = an elephant in a phone box

You can’t get him out.

Michael Clarke = John Farnham

A young darling who has now been around forever and just keeps coming back one last time, to the point where we start to wonder: ‘did we even like him in the first place?’

Glenn Maxwell = Björk

‘Everyone else is wrong. The way I do it is the best way. I’m a misunderstood genius. Here is my latest LP: The reverse one-handed French-cut.’

Mitchell Marsh = Miley Cyrus

‘My dad was famous but he was pretty old-fashioned and boring. I have my own assy moves and I’m gonna put it all on display for a bunch of men much older than me.’

Brad Haddin = Roger Moore

‘I’m really very good at what I do. It’s just that the bloke who came before me was much better.’

Mitch Johnson = drone warfare

Has been around for a while but only started to get press recently. Still hits the wrong target on occasion.

Mitchell Starc = Liz Hurley

Have both copped it from Shane Warne.

Josh Hazlewood = Glenn McGrath

Because they’re pretty much the same bowler. Hazlewood is only about 35,000 wickets and one hunting debacle behind Pigeon.

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Brendan Park